why didn't you poke me back
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
