Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
