Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
