The maid of honor just puked.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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