if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
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I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
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Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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