Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
