moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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