You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
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we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
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I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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