she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
