Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
