He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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