last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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