I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
