MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
