Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
