Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My first STD was from a foam party
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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