Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
