Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
