Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
