im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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