Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
