I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Randomize
