There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
