Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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