You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
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woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
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I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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