You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
PANTIES FOUND
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