There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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