I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
