I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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