god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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