Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
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