Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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