Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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