I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
