I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.