She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher