I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
