Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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