i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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