is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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