Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
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you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
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They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He's on the porch naked. Help.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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