Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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