How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
