I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
