Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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