She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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