I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
