Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
