I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
