when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
