haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize