We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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