The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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