I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She told me I should be a condom model.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
there is puke in my bra ... again
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