Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
ttyl tear gas
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
